Pretending my thoughts matter

Me:    hey Fam chatter

        
Fam Chatter :

      Hi    


Me:
      how are you   


      Are you feeling deep and contemplative or just craving a phish fix   









oh she left   


      ran like the wind   

      I got too personal with my question   

      not everyone wants to to be fam   

      they just want to consume a service   

      and there's nothing wrong with that it's a choice   

      I'm glad I didnt make that choice   

      it's funny because when it was just the early mixlr crew I was really paranoid   

      I had never really focused on the .net ethos that people meet each other.   


      I had always treate the internet as it's own thing. What happened there stayed there.   


      Never belived that it could actually have the real world effect of making friendships.   

      So it scared me a little at first. People wanted to exchange cell phone numbers and plan meetings   

      And how really good to each other everyone was.   

      I started opening up to them.   

      I trusted them enough.   

      and I didn't get burned   


      So I did finally meet some real life mixlr crew... I guess we were fammers too by then.   


      I got very sick and they helped me.   

      such genrosity and kndness floored me.   

      I'n my life. only family and strangers have helped me at times I needed it.   

      So this group of people I'd just met doing so much was amazing.   

      It gave me a little hope.


  

      And they seemed to like both personalities.   

      I'm tremendously shy in preson.   

      but online I can be kind of a nut job.   

      Interestingly both personalities are not interesting to most people.   


      so It's not like I invetnted a way to be online that would make me more desireable   

      acceptances by big groups is not my destiny.   

      It hurts. I wish I were the type that reached more people.  

      but that would not be me   


      and who knows what I would lose in the process.   


      The trick it seems if you are a freak in life is to find your own way and survive.   

      Survive has been my mantra for many tough times.   

      it's almost the categorical imperative in darwin.   

      And from a spiritual perspective I'm here to do or be something.   

      I'm a little scared of dying because I've done some bad things   

      but mostly I am excited about dying when the time is right   

      my body will reject me like all the friends I never got to know in high school   


      I watched my mother die very slowly to cancer. And from that I got confirmation that       you are not your body really   


      something about us is eternal   

      I think believing that is very helpful.   

      we're not even just our brain. our spirit has emergent properties   


      If you can really dig this kind of music (unusual playlist for wfam) it takes you        places like a long phish jam. And that journey can clarify things too.   


      Well I have expressed many things   

      some of them quite vulnerable   

      but I want to live an open life   

      I can handle any trolls fucking with me   

      I expect no one will really read it   

      and that's okay   


      so I guess this show was just an exercise for me to write a little essay about me.   


      that's a waste of resources